An Comparative Review By Angela Poch
Disclosures: I was never a real fan of the book since I read it after reading all his other books which are much better in my opinion, which makes sense as it’s an older book before David developed TEAM-CBT. Also, I did use AI in helping me to outline some of the points below.
Dr. Burns’ Intimate Connections (1985) and Feeling Good Together (2008) both appear to deal with relationships on the outside, but they are very different books. Dr. David Burns has acknowledged that his book Intimate Connections (1985) contains some outdated content. For more current approaches to building healthy relationships, Dr. Burns recommends his later work, Feeling Good Together (2008), which focuses on effective communication and resolving conflicts in existing relationships so let’s compare these books below.
- Focus of Each Book is VERY different
- Intimate Connections is mainly about dating, loneliness, and self-esteem. It teaches readers how to overcome insecurities, enjoy being alone, and form healthy romantic relationships without desperation. It’s written in a light, almost humorous tone, with a focus on personal growth.
- Feeling Good Together is about improving existing relationships (romantic, family, friends, coworkers, or even casual acquaintances). It introduces the Five Secrets of Effective Communication and explains how we unknowingly contribute to conflicts. The focus is on repairing relationships rather than starting them.
- Psychological Techniques Used
- Intimate Connections uses a few older CBT techniques to overcome negative thoughts about dating, rejection, and self-worth. David wrote it before creating relationship specific tools, TEAM-CBT, and it predates his book, When Panic Attacks, a more comprehensive book on anxiety and Self-Defeating Beliefs, the cause of our negative inner voice that creates unhappiness, insecurity, and even loneliness. Some of his core philosophies have changed since writing the book. Just one example: David currently questions whether “self-esteem” even exists or at the very least is important for happiness. See “More Comments” section below.s
- Feeling Good Together is based on TEAM-CBT and interpersonal communication, helping readers take responsibility for their part in relationship problems and change how they communicate. While the focus is on existing relationships, the tools can be used to build new ones as well.
- Tone and Style
- Intimate Connections is a bit crude, a little outdated, more casual, playful, and sometimes provocative (challenging societal myths about dating).
- Feeling Good Together is more serious and structured, designed for readers who want deeper emotional connection in all types of relationships.
Which One is Best for You?
- If you struggle with loneliness, dating anxiety, or self-esteem, Intimate Connections is a good start. Even better his newest book Feeling Great has far more tools to help with our negative self talk, the cause of most suffering.
- If you’re trying to build healthy relationships by fixing conflict, creating or deepening intimacy, Feeling Good Together is more helpful.
Further comments:
Dr. Burns has significantly updated his psychological philosophy since Intimate Connections was published. One of the biggest shifts is his rejection of self-esteem as a meaningful concept. He now argues that people don’t need self-esteem to be happy and that trying to boost self-esteem can actually reinforce negative thought patterns. Instead, he emphasizes self-acceptance and the idea that our worth isn’t tied to achievement, attractiveness, or external validation.
Other Outdated Ideas in Intimate Connections
- The “Three Strikes and You’re Out” Rule
- Burns advised that if someone you’re interested in doesn’t reciprocate after three attempts, you should move on. While this rule still has merit (avoiding desperation), modern psychology emphasizes a more nuanced approach, considering attachment styles and communication differences.
- The Focus on “Winning” the Dating Game
- The book sometimes frames dating as a strategic game where confidence and attitude determine success. While confidence is important, modern psychology recognizes that deep connections are more about authenticity, vulnerability, and emotional attunement rather than “playing it cool.”
- Outdated Gender Norms in Dating
- Some sections imply traditional gender roles in courtship, like men needing to take the lead and women being the gatekeepers of attraction. While Burns never promoted sexism, his newer work avoids rigid gender-based assumptions.
- Overemphasis on “Enjoying Being Alone” Before a Relationship
- While being comfortable alone is valuable, Intimate Connections suggests that once you love being alone, romantic relationships will come naturally. It may or may not come naturally. If you never learn tools to communicate in a healthy manner, it won’t just happen automatically. In addition, modern attachment theory, along with several cultures and religions, suggests that humans are wired for connection—you don’t need to be perfectly happy alone before seeking love, but having healthy thinking patterns and contentment will create a joyful life alone or finding a companion. In other words, it’s ok to admit and embrace your desire for a long-term relationship, even for marriage.
- David has shifted his Focus from Romantic Relationships to a Full Life
Burns emphasizes the importance of learning to enjoy being alone—not because solitude is a prerequisite for love, but because happiness doesn’t depend on having a romantic partner. He argues that we already have many meaningful connections (friends, family, community) that provide social fulfillment. Rather than seeing romantic relationships as the primary source of joy, he encourages people to build a rich, satisfying life where love is a bonus, not a requirement.
- Using Humor to Overcome Rejection
- Burns s Burns encourages lighthearted humor as a way to reframe rejection, which can be helpful—but only when combined with self-acceptance. Humor can be a powerful tool for reducing emotional pain and shifting perspective, but for some people, practicing self-compassion is often more effective. It’s important to ensure that humor isn’t being used to deflect or suppress emotions, but rather as a way to foster resilience and perspective.
His Evolved Approach in Feeling Good Together
Dr. Burns now believes that true relationship success comes from effective communication, taking responsibility for our part in conflicts, and addressing cognitive distortions rather than “winning” at dating or boosting self-esteem. His newer TEAM-CBT methods provide more precise ways to address relationship challenges.
In Summary
Intimate Connections focuses on dating, loneliness, and self-esteem, using older CBT techniques. Dr. Burns has updated his psychological philosophy over time, moving away from concepts like self-esteem and traditional dating norms. He now emphasizes self-acceptance, addressing negative self-talk, and building healthy relationships. Feeling Good Together addresses improving existing relationships and Feeling Great or When Panic Attacks are better books to address inner demons that cause suffering.
Sources:
Burns, D. D. (1985). Intimate connections: The new and clinically tested program for overcoming loneliness developed at the Presbyterian-University of Pennsylvania Medical Center. William Morrow & Co.
Burns, D. D. (2008). Feeling good together: The secret to making troubled relationships work. Broadway Books.
Burns, D. D. (2019, May 6). Can a self-help book really help? Or is it just hype? Feeling Good. https://feelinggood.com/2019/05/06/139-can-a-self-help-book-really-help-or-is-it-just-hype/
Burns, D. D. (2024, December 2). 425: Ask David: Dreading the day; Solving mother-daughter problems; Romance; and more! Feeling Good. https://feelinggood.com/2024/12/02/425-ask-david-family-problems/
